So I just went to my last post wondering where I left off, and I can't believe SYATP was only a week ago! For real, so much has happened since then. While we were out there I mentioned to the kids that Leah and I were trying to get a Bible study going, and we found out that there already is one starting up in a couple of weeks! They said they weren't allowed to advertise for it, but we are working on that. Anyway, I met the girl who is in charge of it all.. her name is Sarah, a senior. Ever since then we have been e-mailing back and forth every day and we have so much in common.. it's unbelievable. Not only do some of our hobbies (writing, photography, etc.) line up, but we are both looking for real Christian fellowship. I don't know, it's just so so so exciting.

Speaking of exciting.. Breakaway tomorrow! Can't wait to see my Forge friends ; ) but truthfully, I am looking forward to seeing what the college scene is like. I wish I could just go to college now, honestly. High school is not my thing. But yea.. that's going to be fun.

Then there's youth group, West Point, etc. Life is good.

I have a million things to do tonight, so I better get going. Verse of the week:

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men thatn to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil-this is the gift of God."
                     ~Ecclesiastes 3:11-13~

This is the part where I give my back-to-school update:

Even after five days I am so indecisive as to whether or not I like my classes. Most of them, anyway. Spanish involves a ton of participation which can be irritating during the morning when I am still waking myself up. But that's my own fault, lol. Algebra II.. can I just say, why don't they put geometry after two consecutive years of algebra? There is so much that I don't remember and again, I realize that is my own fault, but to me, it's a common sense thing. Anyway, the class seems sooo long to me, even though all of my classes are 90 minutes, but this one seems to just drag on and on and on. Maybe it's because my teacher is a little dry? Who knows. It's just strange because I loved geometry, as in I actually enjoyed my teacher and the class and the work itself (sometimes, ha). As for Drivers Ed, worst class of my life. Bahaha maybe that's an exageration, but seriously, all it is are these statistics and safety tips. At least kids in other schools get to drive in DRIVERS ED, but that's a seperate thing we have to do after school aparently. Anyway, somehow I got put into a class which is made primarily of juniors who failed last year so it's just kinda weird. Creative Writing is probably my favorite class, mostly because I love writing, lol. My teacher is very easygoing, and the "acceptable topic" margin is much more broad than in any other class because we are supposed to be real with ourselves, as it is a form of art. Which means that I have heard some language and things that I don't consider to be appropriate, nothing terrible, but still. On the same token, however, "religious" matters are completely okay, and I will fully use that to my advantage because it will probably never happen again unless I go to a Christian college. Which is a whole other matter. Well that's besides the point, the people in my class are quite bizarre, I'm not going to lie, but it's just enjoyable, and some of these kids who have shut themselves out from society since second grade have come out of their shell and it turns out they are very interesting. Still weird, but yea, it's just not a typical boring class, and I like it. And finally, English; I am honestly unable to form an opinion about her. The good thing about that class is that I actually know everyone, which is completely reversed in every other class. As for the class itself, I'm not a fan at ALL of the workload, but we are reading "The Crucible" which is a play written about the Puritans. It does deal with some "questionable" matters but I'm not going to lie, it is interesting. The thing about high school is, I am exposed to so many things, and I'm not supposed to like all of it, but then at least I know. I like new experiences, new things, new people, new ideas, etc. even though it is outside my comfort zone. I have gotten sick of the "safe game", you know? So anyway, I am just enjoying learning about different cultures and ideas even though I disagree with them and have my facts firmly straight. That is kind of how I am looking at the bright side of things, because I am trying not to complain about what I dislike about this year. Thankfully, a new semester begins in January and I will be able to start all over again.

That's a pretty lengthy description of my school year so far.. as far as the other aspects of my life, I truely love my church. I know that basically the only people who might read this are from church and I'm not trying to be a brown nose or anything like that. But in all seriousness, that is where I find my acceptance. That is where I grow in the most important ways, and build friendships, and evaluate my life. It's the place where I can be me, and lately, that is a crucial part of my mental sanity. So, random shout out to anyone in First Assembly, I love you guys!

Hah, well with that said, this update will terminate. We can save home life for another day, another entry, another brain wave. I'm thinking of loosely making Tuesday my Xanga day, just because. Happy Tangent Tuesday!

Oh God,
Below I have written my cry to You; I have hidden nothing. I ask that you would break me down to the core and turn me inside out so you can see the real me I am trying to portray. Sometimes I try to pretend that our relationship could not be better, but I have not given everything to you today. I surrender my emotions, my worries about _____, my throbbing headache, my wasted time, my talents, my words, my thoughts (even the horrible ones), my INSECURITIES, my pride, my obsession with myself, my comfort zone, my apathy, my right now. I can't think of one reason I want it, so it's yours. Help me to stop making promises to you and to myself which I cannot keep; all I want is to fall in love with you again and again. I choose to be satisfied with You, because nothing else is enough. You exceed my expectations and are faithful even through my unfaithfulness. Thank you for your love, because I am realizing for the millionth time that I need nothing else. Please change me through your power and be patient with me, because it's probably going to take some time and mistakes. I don't care; I just want you. My cries are Yours.

Raw Outcry

Why do I wait to give everything up
Until the last possible second
When I hit rock bottom

Why do I say "I'm trusting God"
When in reality
I think I know what is best for myself

Since when is God not strong enough
To handle my problems
When He is the guy in control of it all

Why do I ask others to pray for me
Yet do nothing but feel sorry for myself
And pray only when things can't get worse

Why is advice so easy to give
When I have the same problem
But I won't accept my own suggestions

Why do I look at others
Scorning at their shortcomings
And then fall into the exact same traps

Why do I condemn hypocrites
When I am human
And make the same mistakes

Why is it so easy
To see the beauty in other people
But not myself

Why do I waste time
Dwelling on the past
When I know I should move on

How do I find the energy
To beat myself up over past mistakes
When I have nothing left in me to fix myself

Why does God love me so much
When I act like a fool
And rely on Him as a last resort

When I come before the Lord
Humbled and broken
Where does His unfailing mercy come from

How can I live each day
Alive and abundantly blessed
And not live every moment enraptured by God

Why am I numb to the cross
When the power of God
Is the same as it has always been

Why do I ride this circle again
When one minute I am on fire
And the next I have allowed to wind to carry me away